Sunday, March 11, 2012

thank you!

We are both so happy to see new followers, a few extra dollars in our Reece's Rainbow account, and read the accounts of so many who have also made this journey.  We want to be sure to point out that our reference to "institutional life" is likely not entirely fair.  There are many orphanages in Bulgaria that provide adequate, or better, care.  Unfortunately, our little one is not in one so good.  His orphanage is really, truly one of the worst in the country.  Thus, he suffers in large part because of where he is, and not because of who he is.  The Bad Place is just that - bad.  I personally find it ironic that a place whose name rhymes with "Heaven" could be just that horrid. 

I also find those anonymous people who float around the Internet, proclaiming that adoption is evil, ironic as well.

I'm not speaking about those people who maintain public blogs or websites and have an...interesting...view of adoption.  Those are people I disagree with, but who are speaking their mind in a way that is accountable. But not trolls.  If you are in an adoption process, particularly a special needs adoption process, you have likely been the target of these trolls.  I know for some people, it is bothersome and sometimes upsetting. 

They have a few key points, all of which are so belabored that they almost get boring - not because what they say isn't true (some of it certainly is) but because it's all been said before:

1.  There is corruption in adoption.  (This is true.)
2.  It is wrong to ask others to support your adoption by giving money.
3.  Sometimes, adoptions don't work out
4.  Sometimes, parents are accused of killing their adopted child.

My answer to this is to agree with them, and take things a few steps further. It is true that there is corruption in adoption.  Heavens, look at Guatemala, Ethiopia, Vietnam...shall I go on? 

I propose that we eliminate all institutions that involve corruption of any kind. I mean why single out adoption?  I'll be fair and just include all institutions that involve corruption and children.  Therefore, let's also get rid of:

--Child Social Services (have you read the articles about some of the workers who ignore complaints of abuse?  Do you remember the children found in the basement in NJ - just to name ONE example?)
--Food Stamps, and all kinds of welfare and support programs for children and families
--Early Intervention Programs
--Subsidized day care

Should I go on?  I want to be fair. I want to eliminate every source of corruption against children.

Next, I want to completely ban all baby showers.  People who have baby showers are simply beggars.  They invite people to a party and expect them to bring gifts.  Not only that, they actually create a LIST (the registry) of gifts they demand!  Revolting! Sometimes, people who are in a lower economic class have children, and total strangers assemble clothing, food and other items for them (these items are not free, of course).  There are even government and non-profit organizations that help support children (for instance single mothers, parents of children with special needs, etc) and those funds come from our tax dollars, an indirect source of giving.   I know I had a baby shower when we were pregnant with my daughter, and I want to apologize for anyone who gave me anything.  It was wrong of me to ask for anything from anyone.  What was the matter? Could I not afford to have my own child? 

Sometimes, it's true, adoptions do not work out.  It is dreadful and heartbreaking when that happens.  Responsible people find solutions when this happens, and a few parents do very irresponsible things.  Those who judge those families who ultimately do not keep their adopted child cannot possibly imagine what those families experienced, and if these people feel that they somehow "know" the story because of a few paragraphs on a blog...well...just remember the caliper of those who are doing this and you'll understand. 

Finally, there's an interesting fact out there:  Only adopted parents kill their children. 

Wait. You didn't know that?  You sound shocked. 

It's true.  I'm telling you.  Only adopted children are killed by their parents.  This horrid phenomenon does not occur in biological families.  There are families who paid thousands of dollars for fertility treatments, and waited years to have a child, and they have never killed their children.


It's only adopted parents.  Which is why no one should ever adopt.  In fact, the statistics say that nearly half of the children who are adopted will be murdered by their adoptive parents.

Hmm...I might have that a little bit wrong.  Maybe it's not half.  It could be a little bit less...but I'm sure it's only a little bit.  Just ask the trolls.  They'll give you, what?  Two examples?  TEN EXAMPLES even?  Out many adoptions in the United States?  It's funny, because I wrote two papers in my college career about this very subject.  One was specifically adoption disruption and the other was about child abuse in adopted families.  It's really amusing that I wrote these papers (which I received A's on) because it's so terribly relevant. 

Without whipping out those documents or those Barth & Berry citations, let me tell you that the rate of adoption disruption (even UNREPORTED cases) is embarrassingly low.  I'm not saying you'd have a better chance at winning the lottery, but it's not that far off.  There are situations that increase the risk of adoption disruption:  age, needs of the child, number of children adopted at once were all big factors.  The lowest factor?  Parental preparation was one of the least reliable indicators of adoption disruption.  That means that when researchers, who are likely smarter than all of us, try to design studies to measure an event, the marker that is least predictive of the studied result is the parent's level of preparation. 

Please make sure you can read this in the spirit of irony and sarcasm, which is intentional. 

If you are the target of a troll, particularly someone who doesn't have the courage of their convictions to be traceable and responded to, remember all of this and remember one other thing:  These people never offer solutions.  They don't have any.  They merely exist to supplement their unfortunately unhappy existences by trying to harrass you.  Moderate your comments, delete them, and move on. Don't be ashamed of inviting others to support you in your adoption efforts.  If you were having a baby shower, it would be perfectly acceptable for someone to buy you a gift (or not).  It is not much different. What you are doing is far greater than anything these trolls can do.  They do not take the time to know who you are, they do not take the time to read all of what you write.  They leave canned comments and links to stories that are upwards of four years old and pretend it is more relevant than it actually is. 

Thank you for those who support us, who care about our future child, who feel led to give a gift to our account, and who realize that even when a system doesn't function perfectly, it is a far better solution than doing nothing.  Inaction is always more harmful than imperfect action, as far as I am concerned.


  1. Absolutely amen! Trolls are trolls the world over...that's why we have delete.

  2. So much truth, thank you for putting it all in one place. Maybe others can link to you in response to the trolls. Thanks for allowing the anonymous comment - I don't have an online account.

    Sue H.

  3. I love your metaphors. What a wonderful way to put it. I know several moms who have gotten similar comments with regards to their adoptions and felt discouraged - I hope to share this with some of them, they will be heartened by the realization that they are indeed *not* asking too much, *not* being irresponsible or corrupt... they... we... are the good guys in yet another system that has its share of corruption. And if all the good guys were gone... who would be there to fight for what's right? We're not "feeding a corrupt system". We're fighting injustice. We're proving the worth of these kids. We're changing lives - and not just those of the children. I've heard countless stories of orphanage caregivers who have been touched and changed by the interactions of adoptive parents with their children and promise to carry that with them in the future. Were we to step away in order to stop "feeding the corruption"... who would open those hearts? What of the children?

    I know I'm preaching to the choir, but just saying, I totally agree with you and I love the way you put it into perspective. For what it's worth, I know where your son is (I'm not a creeper, I just know the Reece's Rainbow orphanage codes) and I know of several other families adopting from there right now. God is moving mountains in this place and you're a part of it. One child has already been delivered from this hell and is doing beautifully. Now, we keep on fighting until all her orphanage mates have forever families. The support behind you is incredible, and I'm glad you're not letting those naysayers tear you down.

  4. Jennifer, that write up was a GEM. I really love the intelligent and direct way you responded to this issue of trolling and the allegations. Your blog is a real treasure!


  5. PS: I donated to you via RR and Paypal yesterday. I wasn't sure if it told you or not - just wanted you to know that I was thinking of your son.



Kind comments are welcomed. Poorly researched, ill-informed, horrifically biased comments are exploded. :)