baby boys and God's plan.

Today is not really a day for me to talk about adoption, although it's hard not to because everything is so intertwined, it seems.

Four years ago, I met my baby boys.  We had tried for so long to conceive them, and then we felt the blessing of God.  Not only twins (how special!) but twin BOYS, something I had prayed for. I loved boys!  Rough and tumble, devoted to their mothers :) :)  and perfectly sweet.  It was boys! We sang to the rooftops, and I quickly began to plan a twin boy baby shower, covered in all things blue. 

Inexplicably, and without warning, I went into labor on March 14, 2008.  I did not know I was in labor. At only 21 weeks of pregnancy, how could this happen?  Couldn't the doctors stop it? 

No.  We learned in the wee hours of March 14, 2008 that there was nothing to be done.  The labor had been going on for hours and now I was 5 centimeters dilated.  At 21 weeks, we had no choice - medical intervention could not help them.  There are complicated reasons why this is, but ventilators do not work on paper thin lungs.  There are no medications.  My life could be at risk if we tried to keep them inside of me.  The edge of viability is 24 weeks, and we were a long way from that. 

We called our families and prepared to meet our sons.  First, our little Jacob was born, then Zachary about an hour later.  We held them, loved them, baptized them, dressed them, bathed them...and then they died.  Soon our family left and we were there with our babies...trying to say goodbye.

I remember being in my hospital room after their birth, bleeding heavily from delivery and having post-partum issues...and I remember they were in a little cradle.  I remember feeling that I didn't want them to leave us, I wanted to leave them.  I didn't want to see the nurses take our now-lifeless sons away.  Instead, I wanted to tuck them in, kiss them goodnight, and leave the room as if they were sleeping.  It was a farce, to be sure, but I wanted it.  Thankfully, the nurses obliged me and that is how we said goodbye to them forever.  I kissed their tiny cheeks and told them "Sweet dreams" and then I was wheeled away into the cold, raining, night...sobbing in the car as my husband drove us home.

The dream of twin boys was over.  It had died.

I felt a sadness that I can never fully express or describe.  Over the years, it has waned.  We had our baby girl, Chelsea, and she is a joy.  She doesn't replace her brothers and never could.

I longed for a son, and I knew it was possible for us to try again to conceive.  But that wasn't what I wanted.  There was room in our family for more, I wanted a son, and I knew we could parent a child with special needs.  We reached out and found "Ian".

It would not have been possible to adopt "Ian" if we had Jacob and Zachary.  Truthfully, Chelsea would likely not be here, or if she was, she would be much younger.  Although I don't know personally, I've heard twin boys can be quite the handful. 

All of this is related, yet it is hard to figure out.  God's ways are greater than our ways, but I can't claim to fully understand why my sons died, why my daughter lived, and why we are adopting a son.  When I get to heaven, the very first thing I will do scoop up my little sons.  Then I will carry them to Jesus and say, "Okay, now explain this all to me!" :)

Today I remember two little lives who were so perfect, but over far too soon.  I remember the bible verse I placed in their bereavement announcement, "Behold, I shall never forget you....see, I have carved you in the palm of my hand."  (Isaiah 49:16).  I look at my hands and see my baby boys carved in my palm, and my daughter's face carved there, and the tiny image of a boy that we will soon be able to call our son.  I will rejoice when "Ian" joins us...and I will rejoice in sharing the history of his oldest brothers with him.  I will forever rejoice at the selflessness of my sons, who paved the way for their sister...and now their adopted brother to join us.  I don't know why that happened, but I must believe it was for good.

My heart is full of sadness, but my soul springs forth with hope...